Parents just don't understand

So today I didn't do much I woke up early, well for me at least at around 10:30 am I got up and ended up laying back down and falling back asleep until about 5 pm. My sleep schedule has been really messed up lately and im trying to get it to a point of stability. So when I woke up at 5 pm I called my dad so I could go over to his house to get some hair clippers so I can buzz my head. And when I went over to his house I decided to show him my youtube page and the desteni forum because when I found out about desteni the last time about a year ago he thought it was a cult. So I showed him the fact that it is not a cult because it does not exclude anyone from the group and there is no exclusivity. Once I showed him he said to me "well I just think you should be careful because sometimes these things want you to go deeper and deeper into something". Ha that didn't really even make sense so I just agreed and said ya. And then we started to talk about how I should go to church and how ill find lots of good people. And I said "well I actually had a conversation with someone last night about god and I think its stupid how they are in there own little bubble and think that people are starving each day just because thats the way things are. Then he went on to explain thats why there are charities and things to help with that. And I said well if we had equality then we wouldn't need these things. Then I asked him if god is such a good being then why doesn't he give each person on earth an equal opportunity when they are born. And he said to know that we would have to go way back and the reason these things exist is because humans are sinners and theses things are a result of sin. Eventually he started telling me he thinks the desteni forum is bullcrap and that he doesn't care about any of it. He told me that all he cares about is me and that I make it and that he does not care about the starving people. And that I should care more about myself than everybody else. I think that statement is interesting because I am a part of everyone else. And I know that I can only change myself and that each person has to realize there own shit. I do think it is selfish for him to say that he thinks desteni is bullcrap and that he doesn't care about it. Because to me that's like him saying standing up for equality is bullcrap and being self-honest is dumb. But in this he showed me the extent of which people are brain washed into only caring about themselfs. And also it proves to me that the current family system is like a cult in the context of excluding everyone else and only acting in self-interest. So it was an interesting night and I had some realizations that were cool.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fuck up my sleep schedule
I forgive myself for thinking that my dad can relate to my process of self realization as life as one as equal to all life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry at my dad for not understanding me and my points.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drive my car from the point of wanting to go fast

Exposing myself

SEANS BLOG

12:25 am march 29,2011               

Well I’m starting to enjoy not being stoned all the time because my memory is greatly improved and I am starting to see more clearly. I am able to express myself better and I can remember my whole day wich is pretty cool if you have been so stoned everyday that it all feels like the same day mixed into one.  So yesterday I went to the dentist to get a check up on my wisdom teeth removal wounds. I was hoping that they were going to give me pain medicine because my mouth still hurts. Also I wanted them to get high. I’m still trying to hang on to getting high through any means. I tell myself I really need them for the pain but its not really that bad. I was just trying to trick myself so I could get high again. Another thing I want to bring up is when I went to the smoothie café to get a smoothie and I was so nervous and uncomfortable with myself. I think it might just be because my body is not used to being sober and ive been on pain meds for the past 5 days. Also when I left the dentist I was angry because I didn’t get any pain meds and was frustrated that I had to deal with the pain. So when I got home I let this anger carry over into laziness. I have a lot of cleaning that I need to get done and I just ignored it because I was having a bad day. Also I need to bring up the fact that I’ve still been masturbating and letting it control me to the point of trying to get others to have sex with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be stoned all day

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within hope of getting high

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear judgment of others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and justify getting high

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to masturbate to porn  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing masturbation to control me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as anger

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as laziness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be controlled by masturbation to the extent of making phone calls to try to get someone to have sex with me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as self interest.

First blog

5am Thursday, March 24 2011
Sean Jones :BLOG 1:

This is my first blog I have much to write about and have been procrastinating extensively. Mostly because of continuing to smoke weed. Smoking weed has become an escape from facing what I have accepted and allowed in my life as me. Im 19 years old I live in the USA in Virginia. I have lived in Virginia my whole life so I don’t really know what its like in other country’s. Since I can remember I have been afraid of being alone, and I have come to realize this fear is irrelevant. I am always alone and am responsible for what I create. A very vivid memory of this fear still exist in me, when I was around 5 years old I attended a preschool at a church that was 2 minutes away from my house. Every day my mom would drop me off I would cry and cry and cry because I didn’t want to be away from my mother. She would promise me things like a video game or a food that I liked to get me to shut up. I guess  I am just starting to actually face this fear. I always remember wanting someone to be with, it was like what I did didn’t matter unless there was someone else there to experience it with. But now I am starting to enjoy being alone because all the “friends” I have made don’t have much of a clue of what’s actually going on in the world. I have been looking for answers to basic questions about my existence and existence and the universe and about everything for most of my teen years 16 and up. Up until I was 16 I thought everything was the way it was just because that’s how it has been. I never thought that maybe we are to blame? And that people have become so preoccupied with searching for answers outside of themselves that we have become the problem without realizing it. I have looked through lots of religions, ways of life, cults, people and how they  play a role in our lives and it is quite extensive the amount of influence these things has on even the person that does not believe in god or considers themselves to be neutral. Without a doubt all things in existence are influence by each other no matter how big or how small. So this has been a good experience writing this blog. This is my first one and it will not be the last J. Im about to get my wisdom teeth removed in a couple hours, im not looking forward to the pain. Ok im done for now.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want an easy way out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being alone