Exposing myself

SEANS BLOG

12:25 am march 29,2011               

Well I’m starting to enjoy not being stoned all the time because my memory is greatly improved and I am starting to see more clearly. I am able to express myself better and I can remember my whole day wich is pretty cool if you have been so stoned everyday that it all feels like the same day mixed into one.  So yesterday I went to the dentist to get a check up on my wisdom teeth removal wounds. I was hoping that they were going to give me pain medicine because my mouth still hurts. Also I wanted them to get high. I’m still trying to hang on to getting high through any means. I tell myself I really need them for the pain but its not really that bad. I was just trying to trick myself so I could get high again. Another thing I want to bring up is when I went to the smoothie café to get a smoothie and I was so nervous and uncomfortable with myself. I think it might just be because my body is not used to being sober and ive been on pain meds for the past 5 days. Also when I left the dentist I was angry because I didn’t get any pain meds and was frustrated that I had to deal with the pain. So when I got home I let this anger carry over into laziness. I have a lot of cleaning that I need to get done and I just ignored it because I was having a bad day. Also I need to bring up the fact that I’ve still been masturbating and letting it control me to the point of trying to get others to have sex with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be stoned all day

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within hope of getting high

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear judgment of others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and justify getting high

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to masturbate to porn  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing masturbation to control me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as anger

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as laziness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be controlled by masturbation to the extent of making phone calls to try to get someone to have sex with me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as self interest.