Thursday, April 14, 2011

Friction when changing

Ok so I have been in my process for a month now and I have changed considerably. I was a daily cannabis smoker trying to aways stay high. I also smoked cigarettes half a pack to a pack a day, I smoked both from the time I was 13 until a month ago. I am 19 years old now and have for once in my life decided to be self-responsible and decided it was time to start getting serious about life. I now am saving money and going to work every day. I no longer hang out with any of my old friends that I would hang out with everyday. And the cool thing is that I realize that these people were not actually my friends. A real friend is someone who supports you unconditionally as life one and equal. These people never call me unless its to find cannabis or to come hang out and smoke cannabis. They also will try to get me to hang out, but I will not abdicate my self-responsibility so I can have "fun". There version of fun is smoking cannabis, fucking, getting drunk, playing video games, driving around town smoking cannabis. So since I have decided to stand up for life I have stopped my participation in these pointless activity's. Almost every single one of my friends said that I was lying when I told them I had stoped smoking cannabis. After I had told them no I am done they said "oh well your gunna smoke again just wait". So these friendships are no longer existent, as they do not stand for life. My brother is back in town on vacation for a week for his birthday, and he wanted to use the car to go hang out with his friends. I have no problem with letting him use it but he is not insured and my mother had told me not to let him to because he had just totaled his car. So he was hanging out at his friends house last night drinking and smoking, and he called me to come pick him up right before I was about to go to sleep. I asked if one of his friends could take him home but they could not because they were drinking. So he said well you can just pick me up tomorrow on your way to work and I will use the car while your working. I said no im not letting you use it you dont have insurance. Then he went on to explain how it was legal and stuff to me and I said "ok well mom said also that you can not use it". And my mom is paying for the insurance currently so she has a say. So then he said well can you just come pick me up I said " you cant just stay there"?. He said no he cannot because his friend is going to work tomorrow and he does not want to be stuck there. So I said "well you didnt have to go over to your friends house and drink". Then he got pissed of at me and started to say "common your my fucking brother I cant believe you wont just let me use the van tomorrow". I then said "you dont have insurance it is illegal". He went on to say "well you owe me one I let you drive on a suspended licence". Then I said " that does not make it right, and two wrongs dont make a right. im not going to let you use it you dont have insurance". Then he got pissed and hung up the phone. I at this point had a really bad tightness in my chest like an anxious feeling like I had just gotten pulled over with cannabis in my possession. So I called him back and asked him if he wants a ride home, he said yes so I left to go get him. When I got there he came outside lit up a cig and came down to the car. I told him when he got in there is no more smoking in the car. He said why? and I told him because me and mom both don't smoke and I really don't enjoy the smell anymore. So he put it out and we started to drive home. Eventually when we are almost home after talking about the fact that he does not have insurance and how im not letting him use the van he lit up his cig in the car. I asked why are you smoking ? He said "because... I dont give a fuck. Since I have been home you have been a real prick". I said " how am I being a prick"? . he said "The whole time I have been home you have been an intollorant bastard". he goes on " you are a skinhead prick now". I sipley did not speak after he started calling me names exept I asked him "how am I intollarable?" then he went on to explain events in the past were he let me drive on a suspended license and how he has done all this stuff for me. When we got back to the house I went to my room and he knocked I told him come in. He then started talking about how he wants to use the car and that it is legal.{turns out it is} but we did not know for a fact at the time. So bacically he called me more names and told me that he was never doing me any favors ever again. I had explained to him while he was in my room the reason why I had wanted him to join desteni and how I wanted him to save himself from himself. But he simply did not understand. After some aruging he eventually got the point that i was not going to let him use the he cut me off mid sentance and left my room peaked in and said let me get the computer when your done. So he came back in my room like 2 mins later and asked to use my phone. He called his ex. girlfriend and after he gave me my phone back I got 3 long messages from her. About me talking down to my brother and how if I did it again she was going to kill me. How I am a worthless drug addict and all this shit about me being a lier and a cheat. I did not send her any messages back I simply deleted them. So all in all this is a good example of how people will try to keep you in your past and try to keep you from changing. It was a cool experience and I have learned from it. Breathing is key in these experiences and breath orgasm helps to get rid of the tightness anxiety feeling in the chest. It is hard to get the whole experience down here but I got the just of it. In the end we came to a practical compromise. He was to ride into work with me and go from there without the car. So it was interesting I am simply walking through what I have accepted and allowed.

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