My fucked up thoughts

So I found a little journal under my bathroom sink that I wrote in a little over year ago and I really need to talk about it because alot of feelings came up when I read it. So my first entry in the journal says "Its March 9th im 18 years old and its 2010. I cant help thinking when am I going to die haha. I dont know why I am thinking about it." so yea as you can see I was obsessed with death and dieing. ok there is alot of shit in this journal so im going to skip to the entry that made me have a strong reaction. "Holy shit my stomach hurts, probably because I eat like a fat ass. And I eat because im depressed I didnt think I would do that to make myself feel better wow. I think about dieing almost all day now. I dont try to dwell on it but basically when I think about what I want to do with my life its smoke weed and snowboard. I know that people need it for chronic illnesses and if I could provide for them I would love that. I know that pharmesutical companys make pain meds that create major dependance and alot of people would rather use marijuana. I still have acne and im 18 I have severe scaring on my back and sholders that ill probably have for the rest of my life. aslo on my face I still have it plus scaring and I know it looks bad. Im still a virgin and I dont know how to ask a girl out on a date, and im 18 im about to cry and I dont even know why. I wish I could be a farmer."................. So the strongest reactions I had to this were feelings of regret, shame, and feeling sorry for myself. I was a virgin at that time but this past summer I had sex for the first time with a girl that had been around you could say and just had sex. I didnt have a relationship with her and I regret what I did and It really makes me want to cry because Ill never have that first time back. It was meaningless. So yea I just wanted to share that and I am actually crying right now.    : / man I was fucked up.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel sorry for myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to have sex just because I was tired of being a virgin
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel sad about my past
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to have sex just because I did not want to be defined as a virgin anymore
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not stop myself from doing these things that I now regret
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to regret my past
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to unconditionally support myself
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself by my sexual experiences
I forgive myself that I have allowed to feel shame for having sex