Self comprimise

well...... I went out the other night to my moms new boyfriends house because our power went out. I tryed to write this blog there but right when I got dont the fucking internet stopped working and I lost it. So im going to write it again and I have some more shit to add on. So me and my mom drove over there to this guys house its about a 45 min. drive. I ended up finding myself in a point of ego while talking about equal money system. I was trying to make my point and became completely possessed. And she pointed out that I was being overwhelming.  So we got there and she said make sure to not bring up any of this equal money stuff because my bf will think your crazy. When we got there we went inside they kissed and then we walked over to the room I was staying in. When I got in there it was like a complete shift, I felt like I had to be this picture perfect person and shit. When they kissed it brought up some emotions, like anger, But I just smiled and sayed hi. So we sat down and started to watch some stand up comedy and I found myself not enjoying it at all. But I sat there and watched anyways, I laughed at some things he said but really I was not having a good time at this point. I sat through about 30 mins of that then went to my room to play my guitar. I was really upset at this point and was just like feeling down, I did not want to be there anymore at all. The guy is a big hunter and I am personally not a fan of it especially since his whole point of buying the property were he lives is to hunt all the animals he likes to hunt. So I found myself playing my guitar sad about the situation that I put myself in, I could not even really play it was that bad. So I asked to use his computer so that I could get on the internet and write a blog. I went and wrote everything out but like I said it did not post because the internet got fucked. But after I had wrote it I felt clearer and more calm. But today I did something fucked up to myself. I went out to a seafood restaurant for my brothers birthday and picked out some fish. And I really did not want to but it was an in the moment thing and I was really hungry. So I ate like barley any of it then stoped because it was really not good. Then this fear of the fish being bad for me got really bad, bad to the point that I made myself throw up. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to comprimise myself and my health because I am in a 'special' situation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the small amount of fish I ate. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eat fish even though I have agreed with myself to no longer eat it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear fish hurting my body. Even if the fish was bad for me the small amount I ate would probably not be a big deal at all. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this fear to compound within me instead of standing up for myself in the moment and making a better decision. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that my mom is dating someone. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself into situations of self comprimise where I do not stand for what is best for all. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the foods that I eat. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop and breath in these situations and come to a decision that is best for all.