System of Control

        I have realized that the system that we live within is one of control. It is unforgiving and will never support life the way we have things currently set up. We allow our ideas and believes to cause suffering, which is rediculas because these are just ideas and believes. I personally have allowed myself to believe that the system cannot change. But I have realized now that the only thing in the way of change is us. We do not allow ourselves to stand up and expose the shit that goes on daily in our reality and instead quietly submit to the system because we have no other choice. We have no choice. No freedom. Our freedom is limited to how much money we make. We are slaves for money. For pieces of paper we have all agreed are worth somthing.

      My main point of this blog post is to just convey my understanding of how we are each locked into place in this system and that we are but a small part of the whole that creates what happens daily here on earth. We are in place, just a cog in the machine. I have decided to give up this one life. It goes against what I feel, it goes against my thoughts, it goes against what I have been taught growing up. I have to push myself to not fall within previous points of self abuse. But through pushing myself and self honestly looking at my thoughts and actions, I realized that this world could be so much better if we just stand up and shake things up. Show people that we are creating this reality. That the creators are us, that we each individually contribute to what is here.

      We are stuck. Our only chance to set ourselves free is if we allow it to happen. If we do not accept the way things are and change things according to how we want them to be. If we have what is best for all as the principle that we live our lives by then we will allow things to change. Its time we realized that we need change and that we are the only ones that are able to change things.

My perspective on legalizing all drugs.

                So this is an interesting topic that I would like to share my perspective on. So yes I am one vote for legalizing all drugs. Why?

               Well from what I have seen through personal experience with drugs and addictions is that most that are drug addicts or addicts in general do not want to be addicts and want to stop but are stuck in a pattern. So we have a majority of people that do not wish to be addicts. Consider how much money we are spending on drug laws and keeping drugs illegal. It is LOTS OF MONEY. So consider how much money we would be able to redirect if drugs were legal into rehabilitation and things that will benefit humanity. So then we will greatly reduce the amount of drug use and have a more effective society also the price of drugs would change because then they will be not 'hard to get' and will not have a high perceived value. So then we no longer have people getting rich off of drug laws that are in place, the drug dealer will have to sell WAY more drugs but will not have as many people to sell to because people will be getting helped and becoming effective members of humanity.

    "But Sean what about the crackheads that will be walking around the street smoking crack."
         My answer to that is we already have that it is just hidden because the people are not openly smoking crack and this again brings me back to my point about most people not wanting to be addicts. Do you really think a crackhead wants to be a crackhead? So yes I am one vote for legalizing all drugs. It will take away the fact that if somthing is hidden from us humans we want to try it because we are curious to why it is so 'bad'. We will also be able to direct the money from legalization into effective drug education so that kids know what they are seeing and don't get manipulated or tricked into doing drugs because they are not educated enough to make an informed decision.

 To end this blog post I also want to point out that if we had a economic system that is not profit and greed driven drug dealers will virtually not exist. So investigate www.equalmoney.org

If we have a system based on all life living as equals then drugs and drug addiction will no longer be hidden or be taboo because all things will be considered in an equality system all points will be dealt with in a way that is best for all.

I am me and you are me and I am you.

Well that title makes me react with the word, weird. lol. Ok so I just want to write about how I am continually seeing and realizing to what extent I influence my inner and outer reality. How I have realized that other people are me as in they are me's to, they call themselfs 'me'. So they are me too so LOL wow, ok so yea. Everything comes from the same source, the physical. Everything I do I am resposible for, everything that I experience I am resposible for. Which means you are too because you are an 'I' too. So we are equally responsible for what is here since we are equally creating what is here through accepting and allowing it to exist.

                 So I also want to touch on the point of ignorance, Ignor-ance. We Ignore everything that is here and live within the context of ignorance is bliss, I am not sure if that is the right way to say that, within the context, but I will go with it. So we live as that statement and in that actually ignore all the abuse in the world. We say ahhh no I must remain ignorant so I can remain blissfull so I dont have to look at the fuckedness of this reality. So pour up the abusive social lubricant we call alcohol and drink yourself into an ignorant bliss. This is why I dont drink alcohol because I do not wish to be a part of a group of people that are doing nothing but perpetuating the system. Alcohol is poison. I understand thou why people drink and do drugs, its common sense actually, people use drugs and drink becauese they want to be ignorant and blissfull and not look at what the fuck is here.

             So back to the original point of self as creator we are all here and untill we change things practically nothing will change. It is up to each individual to stand up, its going to take time, its going to take effort, its going to take discipline, its going to take self honesty, its going to take self forgiveness, self correction, practical physical living, all these things. For things to change we must change them each 'I' and each 'me'. So lets change this world lets live the principle of equality and oneness within the context of what is best for all.

www.equalmoney.org = an essential part of bringing heaven to earth

Debunking Christianity

            So it seems to me that quite a few people believe in God. A being that resides in the heavens and does.... well I am not actually sure what he does. What does God actually do? It is interesting to me that Christianity is influenced by the human and its creative imagination, ideas, beliefs too. So if this stuff is all made up in the mind of the human were was the idea implanted. When did humans first start believing in a god/gods. I am just starting to research Christianity  and so far I have seen that we can never get back to square one, the beginning. It is not something that one can put there finger on.

     Supposedly we were created by God, but if god created us why did he allow us to be created so that we would sin? Why not just make us perfect and not even have the ability to consider sinning? Since I was a child going to church and things like that always seemed odd and strage to me. It seemed like a complete contradiction that someone goes to church and professes to be holy and shit and then goes home and is just a normal human that does not really do anything deferential than other ones. So I am also amazed at how the cristians themselfs proved that god does not exist. Say a group of christians get together and pray for children suffering from starvation. Then eventually they realize shit my prayer is not working the children are still suffering. So the have missionarys that believe there on a mission sent from god. But if god created heaven earth and all that exist WHY CAN HE NOT JUST FEED SOME CHILDREN AND CREATE HOUSES FOR THEM?!?!?!?!?!?!?

       So we have a contradiction here, God is omnipresent and omnipotent but he cannot save some starving children from a horrible fate. God cant even take care of his own creation? I find this contradiction shows how we must practically change things in this worlds ourselves and that we are in charge and are able to in fact save starving children. We need to find a way to stop these conditions from existing at ALL. So we can create a system that is best for all, that way the children would have what everyone else has, what is best for all. So this is what we need is a system based on principles. Currently the system we have is based on inequality, winner takes all, survival of the fittest. Why cant we all be winners and have an equal life were we are equally cared for by the system? Well we can but we have to practicaly implement this system because God is obviously not going to help us out if he cant even give food to some starving children. So I say lets stand together as equals and and create a world that exist within principle, a world that we can all love equally.

         www.equalmoney.org  

     Equality and Oneness
These two principles are what we can live by/as to create one group that stands in equality We are all creators so lets start creating a world that is best for all.

The great escape.

                 Well when I look at myself I can clearly see how I have learned to find any possible way to escape from what I have created myself to be and my world around me. It is quite a common thing people do to not face them selfs and realize how fucked we are here on earth. So from my personal experience I have used video games and smoking cannabis as my two main things I would use to escape from reality. Needless to say I never escaped and I am still here. The main question we should be asking thou is why do I want to escape? Why do I am I so scared of facing myself and what I have created as myself and what I have participated in creating in the world? Well if one looks in self honesty you will see that we have created a big fuck up and it seems like there is no way out. One would generally think that this problem we have created is to big to fix and that it is pointless to try and stand up for yourself and make a change. Well if you think that you are wrong, to late would be humanity no longer existing and we have a 0% possibility of creating a world were we can actually enjoy our selfs equally.

       So what can one do? I am only one person, so I see that it is common sense to stand with a group that supports the same things I do. That is why I stand with Desteni because I see and realize that it is impossible to bring about a world that is best for all all by myself. I realize that I need support and that I am not a know it all, I don't have all of the answers to how to solve what we have created. And also if one looks you can see we all created this reality together, therefor we must change it together. 1+1=2 so me being 1 I add to the equation and accumulate towards a solution with all of the other 1's. Simple math. So I stand here stopping the abuse within myself so that I can become a human with integrity that stands for equality, that stands for what is best for all, because what is best for all is best for me too!

        The point of this blog post is for all to realize YOU CANT ESCAPE! The only way out is death, and if you do nothing to change what is here then what was the point of your life? No matter how much drugs you take, video games you play, or how hard you try to escape from what is here you always remain.

God does not stand for equality

                   A big point to consider for all of the people believing in god, apperently you have to hear gods word listen to it accept jesus christ as your personal savior. Ok so what about the people that live in poverty and have never even heard of a bible? This is what someone told me that believes in god "well thats why there are christian missionarys to help those people and spread the word of god". Ok so then what about the people that are not 'lucky' enough to have a missionary come spread the word of god? According to christians and people who believe in god there fucked. And I have heard that god makes acceptions for those people because they have not heard of him before. WTF so there is a key thing that is fucked up about 'God', if you dont hear about him or it, then your fucked and you go to hell. Also he does not stand for equality because if he did he would not MAKE people believe in him so they can be saved from hell. Also wtf why did god make hell? and if your answer is well because man is evil. Why the fuck did he make man evil? Just some things I wanted to point out. It is time to take responibility for ourselfs here and stop abdicating our responsibilty to somthing that does not exist.

The solution to Charity's

           Why do charity's exist? I see that this is a question not many ask, I see that humanity turns a blind eye to questions like this and just says "well its just the way that things are". Well the truth of why charity's exist is for profit and because the current money system creates them. I was reading on a website called charity navigator, looking at a charity called equality now and the executive director [the leader of the charity] takes a 5.25% chunk out of the 2,200,000 dollar revenue they have made in a year. The total percent of money that gets given to all administrative staff is 5.6%. For a charity called equality now that is some major inequality going on in the pay for the staff.  This is there mission statement "Equality Now was founded in 1992 to work for the protection and promotion of the human rights of women around the world. Working with national human rights organizations and individual activists, Equality Now documents violence and discrimination against women and mobilizes international action to support their efforts to stop these human rights abuses. Through its Women's Action Network of concerned groups and individuals around the world, Equality Now distributes information about human rights violations; takes action to protest these violations; and brings public attention to human rights violations against women."


                    So there cause is commendable seeing that they are bringing awareness to abuse of human rights and standing up for women. But there not considering an important question, Why are womens rights and human rights getting violated? Well its because of the current money system, and a male dominant society. The current money system imply that allot of jobs are 'Jobs for Men' but really women can do anything a man can do. In an equal money system women would not be treated as inferior or less than a male, they would be equal to a male. There are jobs that suit men better and jobs that suit women better, based on there physical design and that should be considered. But in an equal money system there would not be ideas and beliefs of what a women should do or what she cant do, this is the same for men. So in an equal money system we will see a completely new approach to jobs. In an equal money system charity's will not exist simply because they will not be created. Charity's are a result of lack of money, In an equal money system everything that happens would be best for all. It is best for all to research diseases and find out how to prevent them, it is best for all to have food, it is best for all to have shelter, it is best for all to live equally, it is best for all to have what is best for all. There wont be things left out in an equal money system due to lack of money and survival of the fittest. Charity's are not what is best for all, it is best for all to find a solution so they don't exist. The solution is the EQUAL MONEY SYSTEM. www.equalmoney.org. 


            The equal money system is not some magical thing that allows us to further in our abdication of self responsibility. The equal money system would be a system were all take self responsibility and stand up for what is best for all accepting nothing less. When you work in a group the task gets done faster and with more ease, because each individual is standing self responsible to there part of the task. There are many people on this planet, lets just say that we all started working together for what is best for all. Think of what we can accomplish, we can actually start working with the earth instead of against it. We can create a world that is best for all! We can start working on things to better ourself's as a race, things that will allow us to be one with the planet. Support an equal money system, support what is best for all.

Hell on earth

               People are so scared to die and go to hell, but it is already here. This world is full of suffering, people experience burning to death here just like you would in hell. The earth is full of demons sucking the life out of life, raping the planet for its resources and treating it as a dumping ground. The side of the roads are littered with cigarettes and beer cans, fast food bags, and other garbage. I see that people just dont give a fuck if they are destroying the planet because they dont consider the beings that will be living once there dead. Has anyone ever heard of the saying give as you would like to recieve? Well I know that I would want to live in a world that is best for all and all life live in dignity, in equality. That is why I give my time doing things like this blog to expose the fuckedupness of humanity, exposing how humanity is manifesting its own destruction. Realize that the pollution of the oceans is because of us humanity, the current system, all of it is because of our acceptance and allowance of the system to perpetuate. I am no longer accepting and allowing this system to perpetuate I am doing what is best for all and exposing it for what it really is, so that we can put a new system in place. Humanity will not just suddenly get better, you cant just wait and see, it takes practical steps to change anything. We are all in this together living on the same planet, we all share this space lets start acting like it and do whats best for all and replace the current system with an equal money system.

         In an equal money system we will be able to focus on real things that actually matter. Like ending the starvation in this world, ending child labor/slavery, ending profit games, ending abusive advertising, ending greed, ending self abuse, creating new infrastructure that supports life, exploring the world, educating the youth, enjoying life, we can focus on what is best for all. In an equal money system people will realize that what is best for all is best for them too, Equal money will support life. Life will be honored and dignified, all will have equal opportunity to live a dignified life. The struggle to survive will no longer exist, neither will survival of the fittest. Every one will be equal and be supporting life unconditionally as they support themselfs, because there life too! Possessions will no longer possess you because they will be support not a possession. So in an equal money system the world will be put in order and we will be able to focus on things that matter that we have never had the chance to focus on before because you will not have to spend all your days getting money while a few get rich. In an equal money system there will be no rich no poor, all life will be equally considered so that the polarity manifestation of rich and poor will no longer exist. Support equal money, I am one vote for an equal money system. We are all responsible for this fuck up lets take responsibility for our actions and change this world.

New blog

I have made a separate blog for my personal process, this blog is now dedicated to exposing the abuse in this world. I will be talking about current issues that exist in this world that create inequality and abuse. My goal for this blog is to expose this reality for what it really is and to open people eyes to what is here and present a solution. The equal money system, this is the only solution and is a solution that is best for all, there is no other practical way to solve the issues in the world. We need to replace the current system, throw it all out and start from scratch. We only have a limited time on earth so its about time we make use of our time here to create a world that we can honor and that will honor us. We all share this world it is time to start acting like it and love thy neighbor as thyself, give as you would like to receive. We can all share this earth there is nothing stopping us but ourselfs. There is plenty of resources on this earth to support all life here, this world should be a place were all have fun. The human has created hell on earth it is up to us humans to stop this fuck up, the future is in our hands.

The internet and Equal money

                       Since I have started my process my starting point within using the internet has changed from that of entertainment to that of a tool. Now I use the internet for assisting and supporting myself within my process, and to be a part of the accumulation of Desteni. I am assisting and supporting others within using the internet too by vlogging and blogging sharing my process. So it is cool to be a part of Desteni from the perspective that I am a brick in the wall so to speak, the wall of life that is going to bring about an equal money system. I am an equal brick and no brick in the wall or pyramid or what ever is greater than the other were all equal in it. That is why an equal money system is so cool, because in the current system the people at the top of the pyramid being superior and all the others being inferior.In an equal money system this superior/inferior polarity manifestation will no longer exist. 

                       The internet is a great tool that is to be used for what is best for all. With the internet we are able to effectively accumulate and bring about equal money depending on how effective each one is. It is like anything in this world, the more people the more effect it has. That is why the effects on the earth are so great and it is manifesting extreme weather, it is the accumulation of the abuse of humanity. Humanity is insanity that is what it is currently, I say this because the earth is being destroyed and people are more worried about buying an outfit to wear to a party. People go out shopping for stylish expensive sunglasses to look cool why others starve to death. I am sure that if you walk out onto the street and interview people about Fukashima and the reactor crisis some wont even know wtf your talking about. I had a 'friend' laugh when I told him about it because of the name of the location because it had Fuk in it. He did not even know what I was talking about and could care less too. "If I cant see it and its not hurting me then fuck it" that is the attitude of humanity currently.

                     The internet is currently being abused and is not being utilized as a tool to spread awareness it is being used for entertainment. Online gaming, porn, online poker, and much more useless things. But what isn't being abused in this world? I am trying to think of something and cannot if someone reads this and would like to show me something that is not being abused due to the current money system or humans please show me. People abuse them selfs daily and don't even realize it, it is thought that masturbation is healthy and looking at porn is just normal. Having sex with multiple partners is just normal especially if your not in a relationship yeah go ahead you have free choice. Free choice to abuse yourself and others and life, I would like to point out what Niklas said in a photo of his. You have to choices in this world to be self honest or self dishonest here is what Niklas said "good- that which is best for all...... Bad- that which does not take all life into consideration." So really free choice is just the choice to abuse, free choice is just something to hide behind as a justification for not standing up for all life an what is best for all.

Commenting on youtube

Well every time I try and post a comment on youtube that is explaining something to someone about the money system or equality it says "error try again". But when I go to test to see If I can post another comment on some random video it lets me like the word 'fuck' I just went to a random video and said that and it say OK. Lol so im not sure why this happens its like every time I try and post a comment were I could potentially help people realize that shit is fucked up and there is a solution it says 'error try again' lol. So I try again and again and again but eventually give up, this really sucks so Im going to become more effective in my vloging skills to take this on so that I can reach out and help the 'lost sheep' find there way home. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be frustrated with this point of not being able to comment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that me commenting is important. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at youtube and to believe that youtube does not want me to post 'meaningfull' comments.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be superior to those that have not realized that the world is fucked up.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I was once that person.
well I always realized there was something wrong here just never did anything to take action.
I stand self responsible to the point of superiority in commenting an will effectively direct myself within/as breath to support and assist the 'lost sheep'.
I was once that person that needed a little extra 'push' to realize the extent of the abuse here and needed support and assistance from others to realize what needs to be done. I realize that the 'others' are me and I am the others. lol. So I stand equal and one to others that need assistance and support.

needing others sf

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need others to make me feel complete.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having someone to talk to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I need others opinions to define me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to always be with someone.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be comfortable with myself
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I only require myself to direct myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am always alone and in that I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being alone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like writing self forgiveness is a task.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to enjoy writing self forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have  defined self forgiveness as something outside of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to call someone when I am uncertain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to call someone for assistance when I can assist myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need my mothers approval to do anything.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I myself am the directive principle in my life not others unless I allow them to be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed others to be the directive principle in my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I can express myself better around my mother because I have known her my whole life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself in front of other beings I have never met before.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that my mom is another being just like all other beings.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself belief that I can express myself more freely around my parents because I have known them my whole life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the feelings of fear, nervousness, anxiety, speechlessness when around others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from my fears of fear,nervousness, anxiety, and speechlessness when around others.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that these fears are not real  and are manifested in my mind to control me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get a bad feeling when I do not speak to another person because there is nothing to say.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have nothing to say.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unimportant.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as shy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the definition of shyness to define me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need the attention of others to feel good about myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define having a car as being cool
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define having a car as being better than others
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define having a car as more that a transportation tool.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that my car is simply a tool for transportation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that having a car defines who I am.
 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as someone more special than others because I have a car.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others based on the physical apperence of there car.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define having a car a status symbol.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define having a car as a luxury.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my car.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my car as nice.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself feel better when I see someone in a car that is not as 'nice' as mine.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want people to be jealous of me having a car.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to smoke weed in my car.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that because I have a car I am better than those without.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire attention for having a nice car.
I stand self responsible to needing others and will direct myself effectively within/as breath here.
I am equal and one to these points and will effectively direct myself here within/as these points.

Probation

               Im going to talk about an experience I had today when meeting with my probation officer. I have not seen her since I started my process and last time I was in her office I was still smoking every day. So I went into the building went up to her office and she comments on how I look good and healthy. I said "yep haha I have changed quite dramatically, She asks "how did you do it?". LOL I told her "self honesty and self forgiveness", and then I explained how it works and did some examples for her. I also told her how it was not hard to quit once I took self responsibility. I also explained how I was fed up with the system and fed up with living in a capitalistic consumerism county. She said "wow thats cool so are you still seeing your phycologist?" Me "nope". her "are you with any groups or going to any meetings?" me "nope... well I am a  part of a group called desteni and we stand up for equality". I explained to her why I shaved my head and how we are changing our selfs to change the world because thats what this world needs. So she asked for the links to the websites and I gave her the desteni website link and equal money link. After we ha chatted for a bit I took my drug test, passed it and now I am not going to have a possession of marijuana charge on my record anymore. When I got back from taking the test she said to me "aren't you afraid you going to go back to it?" I laughed and said "lol nope, I can confidently say I am never going to smoke weed ever again." she looked at me in amazement and said "wow well thats really awesome Sean". She told me good luck when we were done and I said "thanks but I dont need luck" and she said "well I wish you the best then" haha. So when she was walking me out she asked me If I would like to come talk to the other people that are on probation I said I might. I would like to talk to the people there about my experience and how I overcame it, but the place is very far away so im probably only going to do it a couple times. So that would be cool, I would never have seen me as the guy speaking about overcoming my addictions and telling people and giving them the tools of self honesty and self forgiveness a month ago. I have changed so much and continue to change myself it is truly amazing. Her final question was "so your phyc. did not help you out at all? he did not recomend any of this?" I said "nope he did not help me at all". she said "well I guess were out of work here". That comment when looking at it self honestly if there was no drug crimes and no people addicted to drugs then she would have no job, the probation office would not exist. So In an equal money system these types of probation offices were people go because of drug crimes to be drug tested and get assigned to community service would not exist. A self honest self responsible human being see's that drugs are not needed to be a productive human. It see's that one does not need a substance to express itself and to feel happy. A self honest human sees that drugs are for when you have a medical problem that cannot be fixed without them. But an honest human will think that they need drugs in order to feel happy and that they themselfs cant. I see cannabis as supportive for serious medical conditions. It can be used practically to assist and support someone with a terminal illness, just like a pain killer. We use opiates to treat pain but because humans are not self responsible they abuse them to get high, just like cannabis. So this is a prime example on how the human needs to change in order for substances like this to be used in a common sense way. The human in its current brainwashed condition cannot even see that if they smoke weed to get rid of anxiety or to make them selfs feel better they are abusing them selfs. So the change needs to be on an individual level that is why we at Desteni do what we do because we realize this point. Stand up for life, become a Destonian.

Answering my fathers prayers

Well I talked to my dad recently and was chatting about how I had transcended insomnia and stopped using an alarm to wake up. He said to me "Sean the way I see it is that what is happening to you his an answer of my prayers". I replied "Dad just realize that If I had not decided to stand up and be self responsible your prayers would not have gotten answered". This was it in the conversation because after I said that he reacted and just said " yea well I was just telling you how I see it". He knows I dont believe in god and have asked him questions like why do starving people exist and why would god allow that?. He says well there are ways to help that and the reason starvation exist is because of sin, there are lots of Cristian missionary's helping that. It is like you simply cannot have a common sense conversation with someone that is religious because all the problems in this world are solved by god and accepting Jesus as your personal savior. So what happens to the people that are in third world countries that have never seen a bible or herd of it do they go to hell? that is another question I asked him and he brought up the missionary point again. So religious people are simply possessed by there idea of god and there fear of death. It is fucked how someone can believe that god is the answer when they look at the world today. I just recently had a Cristian tell me that the Apocalypse is happening and Jesus is coming back to save us. They abdicate there responsibility as a being to an idea/belief that they are saved from there death and will live eternally in heaven. No wonder shit is fucked up we have people not giving a shit because they think there gonna die and go to this great heaven why should they care about earth? And the worst part of it all is that none of them {that I have met} actually live the message of Jesus. Stand up Christians your god is not real you have been brainwashed and your god not save you from death it is going to happen, you already know much about Jesus its time to live the message of Jesus!

I WANT CANDY!

I was doing community service today finishing my last 8 hour day at the DAV [disabled american veterans] thrift store and a song called I want candy came on. Now im sure most people know this song and have heard it multiple times, there are multiple artists that preform this song. I remember when I was a kid this song would come on and I would think "ohhh I want some candy too" lol. But now that I am not a kid and I am 19 years old I realize this song is about desiring a female. So its cool to look at how we interpreter things when we are children and how we simply dont grasp the concept of desire to the extent of someone who has matured. This point of music of desiring women and seeing them as 'candy' must have some sort of impact on the child's brain and would have a role in how the child develops. Even if the child learns to desire actual candy then his/her brain will associate the desire they feel for candy towards woman when they grow up. So have a look at things that you children are being bombarded with every day by the music industry. I cant even turn on the radio without having to flip through at bunch of channels with sexual songs. In the music industry today we no longer are subtle about desiring sex, it is put out there as the main point of the song. I have recently found out that at least 3 big telecommunication companies are a part of the porn industry. And they use other producers and don't use there big company name on the porn they support producing. Our society has become sensationalized through media and these media company's are most likely supporting porn. So if one is self honesty you should be grasping the picture here, Our life is controlled by the media. Through them identifying our wants needs desires thoughts and emotions they are able to use commercials to entice us into buying something. So the porn industry has seeped into reality and plays a role in our every day lives, through the media supporting it. Consider this would you like to have a child in this world were he/she is programmed by the mass media to become a clone of what society 'should be'? I most definitely would not this is why we need  to educate ourself and become a directive force in changing this reality to a place that is best for all. If you have any excuses/justifications know that your part of the problem. Each and every one on this earth is responsible for what has been accepted and allowed in this reality. It is time we stand up and stop this and to not accept and allow an abusive system were life is not honored but is cloned to be another 'happy consumer'. Just have a look at the word consume, A "consumer" is the one who consumes the goods and services produced, what is the producer? The economy. But who produces the economy? Humans. And who produces Humans? Other humans.But the underlining producer is THE EARTH and if we continue to consume faster than the rate the producer can produce. Well you do the math. Consumer is normally associated with the word economy so no one sees what the underlining producer is and live in ignorance thinking the economy will support them always. Its time for a new system, a new world investigate the links on my blog page if you are fed up and want to stand up and make a real change.

Shaving my head

So I shaved my head tonight not with a razor but with some clippers that go down to 1.5 millimeter so im pretty much bald haha. When I told my mom Im about to shave my head she was mad that I was doing it. I shaved about half of it and turned off the shaver my mom looked at me and said "Thats exactly what I did not want you to do you look like you have cancer!". I said "no mom thats just your ideas and beliefs of what someone with cancer looks like, you dont have to have cancer to have a shaved head. before I did the shaving I clearly explained my starting point to her, that I am fed up and im shaving it to show I am not controlled by my fears. But man when I shaved it she got angry and when I asked her to help me with the back of it she did it real quick and did not make it even. I was looking into the mirror and she said "why you looking in the mirror I thought you dont care what people think about you!?" in a angry snotty tone. I said "im just making sure its even" she says "well it shouldnt matter if it is, why dont you just shave it all off". I said " well I was going to but it was too thick to use a razor on it". So she got quite pissed and just started stomping around doing what she normally does if she would have like come home and the house is a mess. So I found it interesting that she got mad over such a small thing. Im pretty sure she has calmed down now but she got really mad like after I took a shower she came up to me with spare car keys in hand and said "HERE you find a place to put all the spare keys and just let me know were you put them" also she made a remark "just do what you wanna do and if you want to clue me in go ahead". So it seems to me she is fearing losing her definition of me. Interesting night in this I faced my fear of conflict and breathed through my reactions and now im here writing this blog, I felt my heart race when she started reacting and just breathed through my reactions.

Why do you work?

Well I know why I work and it is to make money, so that I can survive. I do not enjoy waking up each day and having to go to work and be a part of this system were there is extreme inequality. But I do it because I have no choice its either work or get kicked out of my house and be fucked. All humans are working to survive, in an equal money system this will change, all will have a chance to live a dignified life from birth to death. I live in the United States of America and it is supposedly the best country on earth, that is automatically implying inequality. Why is the USA so much better than others.... oh yea because we have the biggest military and we are 'the land of opportunity' {to make money}. So in an equal money system there would be no need for a military or for the USA to be the 'best' country on earth. All country's will be equal and there will be no best country on earth because all country's will be best for all. In an equal money system we will not have to wake up and be stressed out about having enough money. We wont have to worry about weather or not our children will be getting treated equally and getting a good education. In an EMS all will be educated equally to the best of each individuals ability. We will not have obesity any more because there will be a nutrition system that is best for all. Also there will be no fast food because it is obviously unhealthy. So back to the question why do you work? Why do we have to compromise our selfs to make a paycheck? Why cant we all live equally? Why cant we all live in a world where all life is considered and none starve to death or have to be slaves for money? The answer is we dont have to have these things exist, and it is up to each and every single human to stand up and realize they can make a change. Realize that 1+1=2 and that you can be that 1 that ends abuse so stand with me I am one vote for an equal money system. 1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1 this is how we do it by each standing self responsible and saying I no longer accept and allow an abusive system that does not consider all life equally. Be the key to change reality.

New car

So my mom and dad are pitching in to get me a new car, I as well am pitching in. My mom just brought it home so we can test it out and make sure I like it. I dont really care what kind of car I get because I dont care about being cool or driving around in a cool car. But what has been picked out is a Chevy colbolt its a coup and its red. I was just driving it around with my mom and I was not acting all exited or anything, I was just driving it testing it out. When we got done I said "im not exited because I dont really want a car", she says " Well I would think that you would be really exited its a nice car". I said " yea its a nice car and there is nothing wrong with it, and the only reason im getting it is because I need it, I have no choice". After that we started walking into the house and my mom sayed "it sucks to see you like this you have no joy". I sayed "I still do things that I enjoy but im not going to sit back while the world is existing this was and go off and live a 'happy' life". then she said " well I went through the same thing your going through when I was building our house because I knew there were people starving out there and did not even have a place to stay, so I gave money to the causes I wanted to." She also said "I choose happyness [lol free will]" so then I said " im just not going to sit back and live a 'happy life' whatever that is and ignore what is going on in this world when I know I can change it". She got upset and said "that is not what I was talking about." She was trying to get me to accept my preprogrammed self the self that lives in ignorance of what is going on around it. She told me "you need to find your happyness" WTF does that mean..... It means that I should accept and allow my limitations as a preprogrammed happiness robot that accepts an abusive brutal unforgiving system where life is not honored. So yea I have a new car now whoopdi doo, it is simply a tool that I can use for transportation. I am not going to go out and show people and be like yea look at my cool new car and all that shit. I dont give a fuck about whether people think my car is cool or not. So yea I am not exited about getting a new car that helps me be a part of this system, that is why I am one vote for an equal money system and am changing myself.

Overwhelmed by fears

                      Ok so I have been feeling quite overwhelmed by my fears and by my idea of process. There is massive amounts of radiation pouring into the earth and that is one of my fears. Also I have been overwhelmed with process and getting ahead of myself you could say. Wanting to speed things up instead of being here and breathing taking things one breath at a time, which is all I can do. I find that If I go into these overwhelming thoughts it only makes things worse and that I will only feed the energy of them. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overwhelmed by my fears and by my idea of process. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear radiation. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want my process to just be done. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dieing from radiation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting cancer from radiation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by my fears. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to complete my process. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath and forgive myself when these fears arouse. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not smart enough to do my process. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself with fear. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dieing before completing my process. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the system for being unfair. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self responsibility by blaming. I forgive myself for not realizing that I am equal to the system and all in it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to beilive I am separate from others. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dieing from food poisoning . I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear other peoples opinions of me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my expression as life. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by my perceptions of other people judging me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgement of others. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself. I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to fear being bitten by a spider. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dieing from a spider bite. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough money to survive. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my money. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear someone intruding my home and stealing my laptop. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear someone stealing my money. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to steal in the past. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being shot. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dieing from being shot. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being in a situation where I could get shot. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dieing from a car crash. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the pain of being in a car crash. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting acne. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear what it looks like to have acne. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my mother. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my brother. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by the fear of losing my family. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being accepted. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my idea of myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear fear itself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am fear. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my mind. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am my thoughts. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am my fears. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am my emotions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am my feelings. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overwhelmed by fear. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear process. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed into my fears instead of realizing that they are not real. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed resistance to build up inside of me.

Back chat 2

So I was looking at my last blog in self honesty and I realized I became obsessed with the back chat. I am not treating it as an equal point in my process. I realized today that I can remember specific back chats just fine and can wait till I get home to write them out and forgive them. But the notebook I am still going to keep with me in case I find myself in an overwhelming situation where I need to utilize writing. So yea the back chat is going to happen I just have to not become obsessed with it so that It causes me to be distracted from being here. I noticed that when I went to the store to get the notebook I was obsessed with the point and was not handling the situation with common sense. I forgive myself that I became obsessed with the point of back chat. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this obsession be treated as a 'special' point'. I forgive myself for not treating this point as an equal point in my process that I direct effectively.

Back chat

I will from now on keep a diary on my back chat and will effectively document it to effectively stop it. I am going to keep a notepad with me at all times that way if I have a point that come up within my back chat I can document it so it will not come up later and it can be forgiven. This will be an effective way to start seeing my back chat and seeing how it develops situations and fantasy's energetic responses and all of the shit it creates. I suggest to anyone wanting to stop there back chat do the same. That way when back chat comes up you will be able to effectively document it and forgive the necessary points. I have noticed within personal experience when I let my back chat run ramped I found myself in situations that were not best for all. For example I was planning on going to community service today to finish up some work I have to do to get a possession of marijuana charge dropped from my record. I had back chat thoughts such as "your not going to be able to wake up in the morning", "you have been working so hard you deserve to stay up late and enjoy yourself". Now today I have gotten work done around the house and pushed through some resistances on laziness. But I would be able to have gotten a day of work done today and then finish tomorrow. But now I have to wait until Monday to do the last day and the 27th is the deadline. I am cutting it close and I intended to get it done this week so that I could go to work all next week. So also a back chat came up " you don't know what time to be there". This was the main point I listened to because I was uncertain and feared wasting money on gas going to the place then not being able to work. I have the time the place opens up and it is 8 am, with that information I am able to effectively move myself in the context of what time I should wake up/leave the house. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to my back chat and to accept and allow this uncertainty to exist with/as me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move myself effectively in this situation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of losing money to exist within/as me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within/as the back chat. I forgive myself that I had not started effectively documenting my back chat. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself into a situation that is not best for all.

My brother 2

Well I woke up this morning to my brother and mom aruging about my brothers life and stuff. And long story short his 'way out' is to kill himself. His plan was/is not sure which one it is but he wants to kill himself. I did all I could do this morning with the situation. I even bought him a pack of cigs so he could come home and fall asleep. I told him that people at desteni have been through the same shit and that if he is seirous about changing himself then he will consider taking a look at it. I explained to him how being self-honest and using the tool of self-forgiveness has saved my life. That is all I can do, he has the power to change himself but untill he stops all of his self pity and willowing in his sorrow he is not going to change. I told him that "im here and im not going anywere" after he had said that his friends ditched him and his ex. girlfriend did too. I did all I can do and even contributed to his shit. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to contribute to my brothers addictions. This was my last stand with him it is a 2 way road from here either he starts to be self honest or he is going to continue destroying himself.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into a point of giving attention to my brothers cycle of dependency on outside forces.I told him that if he dies he will not die in vein, and that I am doing what im doing so that my children and his children and our children's children and all of the children don't have to live in this fucked up reality, Were we can have a happy dignified life.

My brother

My brother is going through allot of problems right now and I really with that I could save him. He also is having health issues that he has disregarded and im sure are getting worse. I have tryed to share the desteni message with him but his ego is to big to hear. It sucks seeing him destroy himself and to see him bring himself down. I dont have anything I can do to support him in this he simply does not want to hear what I say when I speak common sence to him. I fear that he is going to die if he does not go to the doctor and get some help with his health issues. I dont want to loose my brother and seeing him cry today after his birthday dinner made me want to cry to. Just writing about this makes me want to cry and it sucks that I have no way of saving him from himself. If he does die I will not let him die in vein, I will make sure I do everything in my power to change this fucked up system and this fucked up world. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my brother. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my brother dieing. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to save my brother. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my brother is just one person and that there are lots of people dieing in the world that dont even have access to medical attention or food or shelter.

Self comprimise

well...... I went out the other night to my moms new boyfriends house because our power went out. I tryed to write this blog there but right when I got dont the fucking internet stopped working and I lost it. So im going to write it again and I have some more shit to add on. So me and my mom drove over there to this guys house its about a 45 min. drive. I ended up finding myself in a point of ego while talking about equal money system. I was trying to make my point and became completely possessed. And she pointed out that I was being overwhelming.  So we got there and she said make sure to not bring up any of this equal money stuff because my bf will think your crazy. When we got there we went inside they kissed and then we walked over to the room I was staying in. When I got in there it was like a complete shift, I felt like I had to be this picture perfect person and shit. When they kissed it brought up some emotions, like anger, But I just smiled and sayed hi. So we sat down and started to watch some stand up comedy and I found myself not enjoying it at all. But I sat there and watched anyways, I laughed at some things he said but really I was not having a good time at this point. I sat through about 30 mins of that then went to my room to play my guitar. I was really upset at this point and was just like feeling down, I did not want to be there anymore at all. The guy is a big hunter and I am personally not a fan of it especially since his whole point of buying the property were he lives is to hunt all the animals he likes to hunt. So I found myself playing my guitar sad about the situation that I put myself in, I could not even really play it was that bad. So I asked to use his computer so that I could get on the internet and write a blog. I went and wrote everything out but like I said it did not post because the internet got fucked. But after I had wrote it I felt clearer and more calm. But today I did something fucked up to myself. I went out to a seafood restaurant for my brothers birthday and picked out some fish. And I really did not want to but it was an in the moment thing and I was really hungry. So I ate like barley any of it then stoped because it was really not good. Then this fear of the fish being bad for me got really bad, bad to the point that I made myself throw up. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to comprimise myself and my health because I am in a 'special' situation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the small amount of fish I ate. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eat fish even though I have agreed with myself to no longer eat it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear fish hurting my body. Even if the fish was bad for me the small amount I ate would probably not be a big deal at all. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this fear to compound within me instead of standing up for myself in the moment and making a better decision. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that my mom is dating someone. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself into situations of self comprimise where I do not stand for what is best for all. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the foods that I eat. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop and breath in these situations and come to a decision that is best for all.

changing starting points

Ok so I have noticed that my starting point in having sex is to want orgasm. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to experience sex from the starting point of wanting orgasm. I now am changing my starting point in regards to sex to wanting so experience sex. Also I am changing my starting point to making vloggs. I am making vlogs to assist and support myself in my process while assisting and supporting anyone that watches them. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the starting point of wanting attention as my starting point for making vlogs. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire sex within/as the mind.

Waking up at 2 am again

Ok so my brother came into my room at 2 am today to get the laptop from my room. I woke up when he entered and said " Im already awake what do you want" I was not angry and was kind of upset because this situation had just happened the other night but I was more aware of myself this time. I said im already awake because he was trying to be sneaky ha. So he said " I just want the laptop" I had the laptop on the opposite side of the bed to where the entrance to my room is. I picked up the laptop and put it on the other side of the bed. He said "thanks this would not be a problem If I had a phone but I want to get a hold of my friends". I said "well is there anyway you could not come into my room while I am sleeping?". Then he replied and said " yes if you would leave the laptop out when you go to sleep". Then he left my room I went to take a piss then layed back down and fell back asleep. This is proof that self-forgiveness works. I wrote a blog about my previous experience with the same situation. Also an observation, my mind wanted to go into blame and go into thoughts and reactions but I simply breathed and did not feed into these reactions. Also another observation humans tend to say sorry allot, like when I said "Im already awake what do you want?" he said im sorry before replying also when he left my room he said im sorry again. Why do we have to be sorry all the time? Why cant we simply consider others as equals? this is what I have been working on in regards to spitefulness and the point of ego. Its pretty cool that I was able to fall back asleep after this happened  seeing that It was a completely different situation last time.

Fear of loss

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my mother. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my brother. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my father. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing money. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my possessions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my definition of myself within/as the mind. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my human physical body. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my definition of love. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define love within/as the mind. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my power over others within/as mind. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself within/as the mind. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others thinking that I am crazy. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going crazy. I forgive myself that I have not realized the manipulation I exist within/as,withing/as the mind. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing sex. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my definition of sex within/as the mind. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within separation from breath within/as the physical. I forgive myself that I have not realized that within fear of loss imply separation. I forgive any/all that fear losing there definition of me within/as mind. I forgive my family for fearing losing there definition of me within/as the mind. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my definition of what a family is supposed to exist as. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the voice in my head. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the voice in my head is within/as the mind. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that voice any directive say within my decision making. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create that voice and to believe that it is me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear judgement of others and to fear losing this judgment.. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within/as the mind.

Self-forgiveness and forgiveness.

           I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the elites in the world have complete control and that this will never change. I forgive the elites for accepting and allowing themselfs to not consider all life as one and equal. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the government is in complete control and will never change. I forgive the government for accepting and allowing themselfs to not consider all life as one and equal. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people will never change. I forgive the people that have accepted and allowed them selfs to believe that they will never change. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the government for the way the world exists. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the elites for the way the world exists. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the elites and all the people in the government are just human beings like me.

Waking up at 2 am

Ok so my brother had just came in my room to get the laptop from my room. I had let him borrow my phone earlyer and told him specifically that I if somone wakes me up in the middle of the night opposed to if I just wake up to take a piss then I cannot fall back asleep. So currently im facing this point of not going back to sleep. I was also awake last night because of a situation with my brother which I explain in my previous blog. So the experince has gone like this. I woke up while he was grabbing the laptop from my room and immedeatly I went into a reaction where I started to get anxious and having thoughts of spitefullness. I should be able to fall asleep weather I am getting woken up by my brother or if I just have to take a piss. So I went to take a piss after trying to breath through the anxeity and it did not go away. I found myself sighing because I was upset at the situation and was trying to fall back asleep but it simply was not happening. So I got up and went to my door said " hey this is why I told you not to come into my room" "im awake now and I  would appreciate if I could use the computer so I can watch a video or somthing to fall back asleep". "I told you this is why I did not want you to come give me my phone back". I had set an alarm clock because I use my phone normally for that and I did not want him coming in my room to give it back because I did not want to get woken up. So yea he did it anyways only considering his self-interest in the moment and not even considering what I had said earlyer. So when I woke up I was kindof pissed, I was angry because I felt like I had made my point earlyer about how I can not fall back asleep when another person wakes me up. But I realize that I should be able to fall back asleep and this should not be a problem. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act in spitefulness towards my brother. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to fall back asleep. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my brother for not being able to fall back asleep. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my back chat thoughts in this situation and to manifest the anxious feelings and the spiteful feelings towards my brother. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath through the anxiety and realize that I am having an energetic reaction to the situation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop myself in self-honesty in this situation.I am responsible for my thoughts reactions and behavior.

Friction when changing {summary}

Ok I am going to get to the points of the last blog I wrote to summarize the situation so that It is easier to read. My brother wanted to use the car and I told him no because he does not have insurance, and my mother told me not to let him. So he used named calling and brought up the past when I had made my stance clear. We eventually came to a compromise and he was to ride to work with me and walk to his destination from my work. He called his ex. girlfriend after we had argued and after that she sent me 3 long messages including a death threat in the first sentence. The messages were about how I was acting like I was changing and that I am a worthless drug addict and that I am in a cult. Lol so this situation was interesting and caused much anxiety. I breathed through it, applied self-forgiveness on feelings/reactions and used breath orgasm to get rid of the anxious feeling in my chest. What I experienced was me walking through my acceptances and allowances, this was my past trying to drag me in. It was a very intense situation for me but I am here breathing. Also a cool point to add is that my brother is going out to hang out with some friends tonight and asked to use my phone for the night. I have no problem with it and it is actually practical and common sense for him to have it if he is driving. I had an energetic reaction to this and said "Do you realize what happened last night? You told me you are never going to do me any favors ever again." Then I experienced some anxiety and realized what I had just done.I actually said to him "im sorry for bringing up the past I was trying to bring it up to get what I want and to manipulate the situation, and thats fucked up" . I had in the bringing up the past sentence did the same thing that he did to me last night in the point of "bringing up the past".
 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring up the past in order to manipulate a situation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a superior/inferior situation by bringing up the past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this energetic experience.

Friction when changing

Ok so I have been in my process for a month now and I have changed considerably. I was a daily cannabis smoker trying to aways stay high. I also smoked cigarettes half a pack to a pack a day, I smoked both from the time I was 13 until a month ago. I am 19 years old now and have for once in my life decided to be self-responsible and decided it was time to start getting serious about life. I now am saving money and going to work every day. I no longer hang out with any of my old friends that I would hang out with everyday. And the cool thing is that I realize that these people were not actually my friends. A real friend is someone who supports you unconditionally as life one and equal. These people never call me unless its to find cannabis or to come hang out and smoke cannabis. They also will try to get me to hang out, but I will not abdicate my self-responsibility so I can have "fun". There version of fun is smoking cannabis, fucking, getting drunk, playing video games, driving around town smoking cannabis. So since I have decided to stand up for life I have stopped my participation in these pointless activity's. Almost every single one of my friends said that I was lying when I told them I had stoped smoking cannabis. After I had told them no I am done they said "oh well your gunna smoke again just wait". So these friendships are no longer existent, as they do not stand for life. My brother is back in town on vacation for a week for his birthday, and he wanted to use the car to go hang out with his friends. I have no problem with letting him use it but he is not insured and my mother had told me not to let him to because he had just totaled his car. So he was hanging out at his friends house last night drinking and smoking, and he called me to come pick him up right before I was about to go to sleep. I asked if one of his friends could take him home but they could not because they were drinking. So he said well you can just pick me up tomorrow on your way to work and I will use the car while your working. I said no im not letting you use it you dont have insurance. Then he went on to explain how it was legal and stuff to me and I said "ok well mom said also that you can not use it". And my mom is paying for the insurance currently so she has a say. So then he said well can you just come pick me up I said " you cant just stay there"?. He said no he cannot because his friend is going to work tomorrow and he does not want to be stuck there. So I said "well you didnt have to go over to your friends house and drink". Then he got pissed of at me and started to say "common your my fucking brother I cant believe you wont just let me use the van tomorrow". I then said "you dont have insurance it is illegal". He went on to say "well you owe me one I let you drive on a suspended licence". Then I said " that does not make it right, and two wrongs dont make a right. im not going to let you use it you dont have insurance". Then he got pissed and hung up the phone. I at this point had a really bad tightness in my chest like an anxious feeling like I had just gotten pulled over with cannabis in my possession. So I called him back and asked him if he wants a ride home, he said yes so I left to go get him. When I got there he came outside lit up a cig and came down to the car. I told him when he got in there is no more smoking in the car. He said why? and I told him because me and mom both don't smoke and I really don't enjoy the smell anymore. So he put it out and we started to drive home. Eventually when we are almost home after talking about the fact that he does not have insurance and how im not letting him use the van he lit up his cig in the car. I asked why are you smoking ? He said "because... I dont give a fuck. Since I have been home you have been a real prick". I said " how am I being a prick"? . he said "The whole time I have been home you have been an intollorant bastard". he goes on " you are a skinhead prick now". I sipley did not speak after he started calling me names exept I asked him "how am I intollarable?" then he went on to explain events in the past were he let me drive on a suspended license and how he has done all this stuff for me. When we got back to the house I went to my room and he knocked I told him come in. He then started talking about how he wants to use the car and that it is legal.{turns out it is} but we did not know for a fact at the time. So bacically he called me more names and told me that he was never doing me any favors ever again. I had explained to him while he was in my room the reason why I had wanted him to join desteni and how I wanted him to save himself from himself. But he simply did not understand. After some aruging he eventually got the point that i was not going to let him use the car.so he cut me off mid sentance and left my room peaked in and said let me get the computer when your done. So he came back in my room like 2 mins later and asked to use my phone. He called his ex. girlfriend and after he gave me my phone back I got 3 long messages from her. About me talking down to my brother and how if I did it again she was going to kill me. How I am a worthless drug addict and all this shit about me being a lier and a cheat. I did not send her any messages back I simply deleted them. So all in all this is a good example of how people will try to keep you in your past and try to keep you from changing. It was a cool experience and I have learned from it. Breathing is key in these experiences and breath orgasm helps to get rid of the tightness anxiety feeling in the chest. It is hard to get the whole experience down here but I got the just of it. In the end we came to a practical compromise. He was to ride into work with me and go from there without the car. So it was interesting I am simply walking through what I have accepted and allowed.

Mom

So I talked to my mom about starting the desteni I process and she is freaked out. She got pretty angry at me and we had an arugement about why I am joining and stuff. She said that I should go into charitys and stuff like that for animal abuse and starving kids. She dosent realize that we are the root of those problems and the problem is the way the human exists as the "I". She dose not realize that the reasons why charitys exist in the first place is because of the money sysetem. She wants me to join cycling groups so that I can meet people in my town to hang out with. The problem is that I dont want to hang out with people that are okay with the way the world exists and I dont want to go join a cycling group so I can have "friends". I am fine with being alone for now because it is kindof cool not having to rely on others to have a good time. I am enjoying being a part of desteni and a part of the solution for this world. My mom is fearful of me not being able to make enough money to support myself through the DIP. So I am no longer going to talk about desteni with my family as it only gets them pissed off. I am going to "do my thing" and keep chugging along with this. She wants me to go to college and to work a day job and to buy a car. Its like she is trying to direct my life its pretty weird and uncomfortable.

The past

So this is a big point for me right now..... My past...... I am currently facing all the things I have accepted and allowed to exist as me so its not fun right now, It is not happy either. I am having most trouble with things that are in it and I am having trouble realizing that I am here now. I am breathing and I am not my past. I am here and I am currently learning how to redirect myself in moments that I feel overwhelmed and feel like "fuck im never going to get through this". These are moments where it is absolutely necessary to remain in breath and not get swept away by the mind into self pity and thoughts of worthlessness. So I remain here and I am breathing continuing in this process of self realization and continuing to unconditionally support myself. I am glad that I am able to type so well I find it very supportive lol. So far this has been a bumpy road and im sure it will continue to be. I am willing to get past the bumpyness that is why I am here. That is why I am participating in desteni to see past my own self delusion and create a world that is best for all. So that if I one day have a child he does not have to go through what I am right now. A world were he/she can be born in equality were he/she will be supported unconditionally by the system and not have to be a self interested mind ego thing that dose not stand for all life equally. Ha so I am standing here supporting myself to realize that I can do this.I am here and im not going anywhere.

"I just want to give up"

ok so im currently facing the point of wanting to give up. Since I have started my process it has improved my life and I am starting to "get real" and im actually doing things in my life now like working and getting up in the morning. I am facing this point because for the past 3 to 4 years I have always given up and have always just smoked my brains out to hide from reality. I am no longer hiding and no longer smoking pot so I need to find a way to support myself through this. I realize that this wanting to give up is all in my mind and that giving up is completely pointless. I have gotten to a point were I can see pot and smell it and just turn it down wich is something I would never do a month ago. So its cool to realize how far I have gotten in just one month and cool to realize this wanting to give up is not real. I am going to keep myself in breath so that I dont loose myself within the mind. I am doing this blog to show myself that I am here and I am no longer hiding from what I have accepted and allowed. I made and agreement with myself today this is it. I will walk this process untill it is done. A very simple agreement, and also I am unconditionally supporting myself through this process to make it easier on myself. I am glad to say that I will not be giving up, and I will not be giving in to my mind. I am glad that I am facing this point because this is a point that I have existed in  since elementery school. I always would be discouraged when I had trouble with something in school and would not take the steps to practically assist myself to take on the point. I would always go into my mind and make justifications on why I should just ignore it and just fuck around. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make justifications in my mind of why I should give up this process. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face myself with complete self-honesty. So I always remember not giving a fuck about school. From the time I was a kid till I dropped out of high school to get my GED. I always remember wanting to learn about real stuff school always just didn't seem right to me. I never fit in either, I did sort of like I had friends and stuff but it always seemed like my perspective was tweeked. This has been a cool blog to write haha and I am glad that I wrote it so I could see these points.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not apply myself within this reality practically in oneness and equality. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up. I realize that If I give up I would be giving up on myself. I stand here living breathing and walking this process.

Spreading the message

Ok so starting today I am not going to allow myself to just participate in desteni and sit back and not give others a chance to change too. I am making video responses on current events such as the government shutdown and im doing to continue to show how and equal money system is the solution. I have been watching Bernard Poolmans videos recently and when I noticed that there is only 140 some views I noticed something needs to be done to spread the message more effectively. I am going to spread this message so that we can STOP manifesting our own destruction. So that this earth can be heaven for all to live equally in dignity from berth to death.

anti-depressants anti-anxiety and phyco-logists and psychiatrists

 Why cant we listen to our own body? Why do we have to get someone to tell us that we are depressed? Well I have been to a phycoligist and a psychiatrist and I want to share my experience with both. Ok so I started seeing   a phycoligist in sept. 2011 and I was going to see him because I was mentally distressed. I smoked allot of weed  every day and was smoking cigarettes too. I wanted to go see a phyc. so that I could figure out why the fuck I was feeling the way I did, wich was depressed and suicidal. So I went to see him and we would talk about my life and how stuff in the world is messed up. We would end up having very interesting conversations about philosophy and god and stuff. So eventually he recomended me to see a psychiatrist, so I could get some prescription drugs. Apparently I had depression and A.D.D and general anxiety disorder. So he put me on a benzo called klonopin an anti-depressant and he would have given me the stimulant adderall witch is basically meth in a pill if I would have asked for it. So I have had problems with anxiety for quite some time and I was pretty happy to get the klonopin. But also in the past I had taked 25 of the klonopin to try to kill myself but it didn't work haha obviously im here writing this so. I got the klonopin again and would abuse it and take 3 to 4 times the recommended daily dose. I started to experience black outs and I got into a car crash after taking about 6 times the recommended dose. I would not remember anything in the days that I had done this and its like  it all got erased from my memory. I never took the anti depressants I was just very desperate to quit smoking weed and the anti depressant that I got you could not smoke weed on it. So I was trying to substitute my weed dependence for an anti-depressant. So I have quit smoking weed on my own without substituting my dependence with another chemical. I have also quit smoking cigarettes, I had been smoking weed and cigarettes since I was 13 years old (Im 19 now). From my experience the phycoligists and psychiatrists will tell you exactly what you want to hear and will not solve your problems. Most of the time they will make you worse because you end up trying to substitute what your body does naturally with drugs. So if you want to get past your anxiety and depression look at your life and see what you have done, there are probably reasons why you are having the problems.

Thinking about it

Ha so I had a cool realization last night in relation to thinking and the voice in my head. I said outloud to myself "How do you think about what is best for all" and then it clicked and I said "hahaha you dont what is best for all is here". So this is cool to realize because I have been in the process of stopping the voice in my head and -realizing that it is not really who I am. I have been doing alot of self- forgiveness on everything that is not best for all and on things that are blocking me from being who I really. Even little things like "I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting a song stuck in my head". So my process is running smoothly now to a point of me being able to pick out things in the moment and do self-forgiveness on them.

Forgiving myself

 Ok I have been using the tool of self-forgiveness and speaking it out loud. I just watched a video of Bernard talking about Desteni experts lol. He brought up a good point that if you are not sharing your self-forgiveness with all then your not doing what is best for all because someone could benefit from reading my self forgiveness to get some perspective. So Im going to dedicate this blog to all the self forgiveness I have been doing in the past 2 and a half weeks so it may be long haha. OK ...
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be nervous when people get close to me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get so nervous when people get close to me that I actually physically shake.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to previous definitions of myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting electrocuted
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of my current financial situation with my parents.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people thinking that im gay.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be nervous around women.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to unconditionally love myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed and accepted myself to unconditionally express myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others judging me for my past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to gossip
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop myself in the moment of being in a gossiping situation.
I realize now that even if I listen to gossip I am still a part of it because without a listener there would be no talker.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within abusive patterns.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drive my car from a point of wanting to go fast.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the voice in my head is not real.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not be within and as breath in every moment.
I forgive myself for going into my mind and fantasizing with pictures in the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not unconditionally support my body.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed of my past.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed of sexual events in my past.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed of loosing my virginity because I just wanted to have sex.
I forgive my partner for not realizing that us having sex was not good for us.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to over eat because of the food that I over ate was a food that I enjoyed.
I forgive myself for not forgiving myself for these things sooner.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my past
I forgive myself for fearing fear itself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that people will think im a 'bad guy' if they know my past.
I forgive myself for not realizing that my past is not a part of who I really am.
I forgive myself that I haven't realized that the voice in my head is separate from me and is not who i really am.
I forgive myself for blaming my old friend for breaking my and my ex girlfriend up.
I forgive him for breaking me and my ex girlfriend up.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to unconditionally love myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to fall asleep.
I forgive myself for accepiting and allowing myself to want to save my brother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to save my mother.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to save my father.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that only they can save them selfs.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and push my brother into desteni.
I forgive myself for not unconditionally applying the tool of self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am equal to every human being on earth.
I forgive myself for not realizing that the word hope holds no actually meaning.

Ok so im sure I missed some that I have done but there is allot lol.